Humans are chill. I’m lucky enough even to have a good few dozen humans I truly love, and feel thankful they’re around and let me hang around them also. It’s not that humans are the worst. It’s just than cats are better. I must preface by saying cats are certainly not perfect — not that anything on this festering, Mindy Project-canceling planet is perfect. Cats have faults a-plenty. I’ve lived with and owned several cats in my life. One cat I had in college, Pantera (or Panty, for short and also for hilarity), made a habit of tipping over any liquid-holding container she spotted. She also had a cute tendency to drag her (not specifically clean) ass across the carpet at my and boyfriends’ apartments. My sister’s cat used to leave secret piles of barf for our bare feet to meet first thing in the morning. Kevin, my current cat, lets wild spirits (apparently) inhabit his body in such a way that sends him tearing through my living and bedrooms, taking out everything in his path — often including me. He’s small, but his velocity is unquestionable.
So, are cats perfect? No. But are cats better than humans? Without a doubt. Allow me to explain:
Cats don’t care if you don’t feel like going out
Cats aren’t married to their calendar app. They don’t even have phones—clearly! Haha! So when you come home zonked on a Friday night but you have plans with Kevin to hit that new Chinese-Peruvian pop-up for dinner, no sweat! Despite what neighbors might suspect from all the yelling, Kevin’s your cat! So he doesn’t care! Stay home! Kevin might actually prefer this.
Cats provide helpful fashion feedback
Approval is marked by the addition of their own fur. They’re contributing! Cute!!
Cats have no strong musical preference
Cats will never pressure you to attend their DJ night/art thing/reading/bar opening
Cats still hold you accountable for your bullshit
You didn’t pick up on subtle hints about doling out a second dinner? You missed your implied curfew to come home and allocate head scratches? Cats won’t make your life a living hell because you clearly screwed up, but they aren’t too quick to forgive either—like some people do (ew). They make sure you understand the error of your ways and work to correct it. Like a helpful life coach! The shredded toilet paper shrine 100 percent conveys that. Thanks, Kevin!
Cats won’t bring up potentially hot-button topics
Rest your little brain no cat around will demand to discuss political policies or the true meaning behind Inside Out. Unbutton your pants and chill away.
Cats transform jealous feelings into art
Specifically modern art. Usually involving mysterious liquids and/or bathroom trash. Way better than passive-aggressive tweets.
Cats can’t talk shit
Their mouths are too tiny! Plus they HATE Twitter, unlike stupid humans.
Cats won’t make you feel irrelevant when you inevitably miss A Big Internet Story
Words are too hard and dumb anyway!
Cats won’t brag about ~life accomplishments~
Promotions, engagements, incoming babies. Do any of these things become public and zealously announced in such a way you feel like an actual garbage can in comparison? Nope, they’re confident enough keeping such huge developments and the associated pride to themselves.
Cats have the ability to platonic cuddle
This does not exist in the scope of human relationships and capabilities, and you can try to argue at me but you are very much incorrect.