You know that your Saint Bernard basically owns you, right?
1- Wake up in an orderly fashion every day to fill my empty bowl. I will serve as you alarm clock and reminder if you fail to do so.
2- Bathroom time is always together time.
3- You must give me a nibble of every piece of food you eat…unless it’s a vegetable. Those are yours.
4- Never come home smelling of other dogs. I will be checking your collar for slobber stains.
5- Let me get inside or outside of the house at my request, no matter how many times I’ve asked already.
I would do the same for you if I had opposable thumbs and you didn’t, okay?
6- I can sleep anywhere I want, whether it be my bed, your bed, or in your clean basket of laundry.
7- If it lands on the floor, it’s mine.
8- Cuddle with me at least five times a day. While doing it you must tell me how cute and soft I am.
9- Leave one pair of your stinky shoes out per day for me to chew on. Stinky socks and underwear will do too.
10- Do not dress me as you please. I prefer to be naked.
11- And water torture is ILLEGAL.
12- I may use whatever furniture I wish, even if you’re already sitting on it.
13- We shall never be apart, and I will always be by your side.